Category: Random Author Babble

April 17

April 17, 2019

PATB Serial???

So, I might be trying something new…

The idea hit me while I was, well, not thinking about writing at all XD and it just stuck, like, being all, this is so obvious. You’re being slow as fuck with your writing, just release it as serial installments! Duh. And then I thought, well, maybe if I have a cover, but covers are going to be a pain in the ass. Like, that’s time spent. And my brain was all, bitch, you got this shit. One evening of Photoshop–Go! And now I have a cover and really, very few excuses. I mean, it’s not a bad idea. Just release it into KU while it’s being written, and if peeps want to read ahead, they can check out the website. I mean, this project has just been so slow with my health being all wonky. I feel like I’ve put nothing out there in ages.

I’m not sure how I want to break the books down. My lazy self is all, covers are a pain so just put half or a quarter of a book in each episode so shit goes faster. But my more pragmatic side sees that as having a lot of time between releases, which is what this is supposed to avoid. :/ I’m going to think on it, see how much time I want to invest in editing right now, etc. But yeah, I think this is a fun idea.

Oh, what do you think of the throwback to the first original Demon Arms cover?! XD check it!

 

Winning at photomanips lately, yeah? I’m digging the little debris that makes it feel like there’s motion even though absolutely nothing is happening. 😉

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April 11

April 11, 2019

Apathy

Dealing with an unexpected problem health wise. And it might be temporary–it might be nothing. Or it might be a sign of something permanent I’m going to have to deal with all the time. No clue. It’s a very frustrating issue though, one that, when it hits like it did the last couple days, feels overwhelming and inescapable. It’s apathy.

I thought at first it was depression, but it was too different, too distinct from the symptoms I was once consumed with in my younger years. No, this just sucked the joy from my actions and thoughts, the motivation, the enjoyment. I didn’t feel impaired in any physical or mental way, but I also didn’t feel much of anything. I could see I wasn’t myself, but I couldn’t spark the normal chemical reactions that would make me enjoy things either. It made everything very empty and dull.

I guess this is something pretty common with Parkinson’s, and it doesn’t have much correlation with how far the disease has progressed. Even though I have been able to protect myself from the mold induced Parkinson’s and regrow dopamine receptors and even remove the neurotoxins from my body and environment that were triggering the Parkinson’s, I may not have a lot of tools to fix this problem. Although increasing/restoring dopamine helps, it hasn’t actually cured the apathy, and scientists have theories but nothing really solid when it comes to answers. This may be a level of permanent brain damage, and I have little guarantee of what the hell to expect.

The last few days were an extreme hit of this lack of enjoyment, but it has been happening for a while on a less intense level. I thought it was psychological as my health returned and I found myself doing the same thing day in and day out. With my brain repairing, everything just felt so obvious, and in a way, so dull with no challenge to reveal. But challenges are all around me; I just couldn’t get my emotions to respond like they normally would. I wasn’t feeling my writing, feeling joy from creativity, feeling satisfaction the way I used to, but it wasn’t until the feelings shut off completely that I could see that they were wonky to begin with.

So, yeah, an interesting couple of days as I try to figure all this out. What I’m doing now is really trying to work around the apathy when it hits to ensure I function like a normal person even if my drive/motivation/basic impulses are lacking. I’m forcing myself to exercise since it seems to have some positive effect–although the mood alteration was limited, only a few days, so I can’t say 100% what worked and what’s mere coincidence. I’m still not fully myself even if I’m at least back to the medium level of feeling I was before. I’ll have to track my symptoms as they hit until I get enough cause and effect to get a better picture. I might be looking into stims like caffeine, look at nootropics, reward, dopamine creating behavior, that sort of thing. There are plenty of paths to run down and explore to find the answers.

And I guess I’m looking to cope with facing how things may progress, and what it may be like to live a life I don’t fully feel emotionally. I suspect it will not be an easy thing if I go by the last few days. >_> I have faced a lot of shit, let’s be real. I’m not sure how to deal with something that strips my joy away on a fundamental level I can’t escape. It is a very cruel way to live, robotic, without not just drive but no goals, no intellectual curiosity or response to stimuli. No love of life or art or creation. It’s like going through the motions instead of living a life.

I am, at my core, a hopeful person. An optimist. To think that can be stripped away with a chemical switch I have no control over is, well, fucking shitty. Will the drive that has gotten me to find the answers to my health problems be stripped away too? It is a difficult reality I may find myself in if the apathy gets worse… Or I may be worrying over nothing as I get healthier. I am a terrible fortune teller but very good at worrying. >_<

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april 2-2

April 2, 2019

Huh, way faster

One of the plugins decided to break–because computers are freaking fickle. But on removing it, the website is super fast in comparison. It was the disable right click thing. I gotta say, I will take the annoying constant theft if the website doesn’t lag like a motherfuck the way it did. What an annoying thing to compromise on.

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april 2

April 2, 2019

I hate not having money :/

This may seem rather obvious, but being broke sucks. I feel like a kid who has to wait to be able to do all the things I want to do, except I’m an adult and I’m stuck waiting because not having money sucks. Civilization needs to wake the fuck up and start implementing things like a universal income, but I suspect it will be a long wait seeing as humanity still can’t get over simple shit like equality and not murdering each other. *sigh* Fucking tribalism just won’t die.

I think of all the stuff I’d be doing full force if I didn’t have to worry about money, and it’s just frustrating. I could have gone into a ton of character creation and art for this VN already if I could just afford the full version of the cg program I’m using for reference. I could have started this whole thing sooner if I wasn’t caught up in publishing for cash instead of creating for enjoyment. And legit, I still have to go that route. I want the website to be enough, but it’s not yet. I seriously need to start focusing on publishing again before my KU income flat lines.

The pursuit of money has totally ruined a ton of my creative endeavors. My art is so caught up in the ‘will this keep me in a house’ bullshit that I just start to hate it all. Money is a shitty motivator for creative work. I have never looked at money and felt inspired to create or be a better person or do amazing things in the world. I look at money and I feel scarcity, or security, and it’s usually scarcity.

Blah. I’m just ruminating about the flaws of the world that could easily be fixed if society would just be better already. My car has over $700 worth of work I need to do to be able to use it again, my meds that sustain me are hundreds a month (and apparently I cannot beat the mold induced Parkinson’s without them yet–really painful lesson to face today,) and I just want to make cool stuff. Like, if I didn’t have to worry about money, I could have moved out of this moldy house already! Why is this shit so limiting?

Maybe I should try to convince myself to be more money oriented with the stuff I do. If I made a point to increase my income, these problems would be solved and more fun could be had. But I can’t even make myself want money, even though I can see how shitty it is when I don’t have it. It’s like I lack the basic instinct. I like to make things. I like to think about things, and I like to make things, and that’s about all I’m good at. It’s shit to realize the things I do can’t really matter unless I figure out how to monetize them well enough too. What a dumb thing to demand, society.

Blah. Guess I’ll have to make a million bucks writing. It can’t be that hard, right? *snort*

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April 1

April 1, 2019

New Awesomeness!!!

Okay, so I’m getting super excited now that I’m finally–FINALLY!–starting the Demon Virus visual novel project. I’m in the first scene, fleshing out the character of the thralls and I’m feeling so inspired! Mikey is back. Will is a total asshole who can’t help but taunt the fuck out of all the extremely horny thralls who have been forcefully changed by the same incubus who targeted Mikey. And I’m making a horny meter that, once it gets full, will decide if the thralls lose their shit or not. XD I love the idea of it. Like, how would I use something like that as a game element, and what would happen when it was triggered? It would have to change depending on which thrall, where we are in the story, who is around at the time. It’s a really fun concept all around and it’s just the first scene.

I decided I’ve been putting everything off for too long, and it’s time to figure out how to divide my time properly. This means working on PATB for an hour or so a day, and then spending the rest of my time on other projects. The projects lined up for now are the Demon Virus visual novel and Blowjob King. Blowjob King is a short story and won’t require huge amounts of detail and character arcs, etc–you know, something easy for a change. @_@ While Demon Virus is an interactive novel, although totally complicated as fuck, it’s something that needs to be tackled in small bites anyways. It’s either make a picture, or outline the plot, or create a character bio, or figure out the code, etc. It’s very step by step, portion to portion.

The main reason I’m tackling multiple projects is the hope to 1) stave off boredom, which will therefore drive me to be more productive, and 2) recover my brain function. It’s like a veil has lifted since I got the allergies under control, babes. I am loving life again, loving the world I’m in, but I’m not really living as fully as I think I can. the cobwebs are clinging. I need to ensure that I’m taking care of my brain, repairing the damage, and pushing to grow whatever might have atrophied. As complex as the visual novel appears, it has challenges that are going to help me without being terribly redundant. In a lot of ways it’s much easier than what I have to do with PATB. The writing is mostly dialogue mixed in with a bit of choreography/depictions of action. It’s far more minimalist, and requires less perfectionism as a result. It’s in the plot, the crafting of story, and figuring out the most entertaining way to deliver that story while creating a feeling of reader interaction where most of the creative requirements are going to be. And then just basic technical stuff I’ll need to learn when it comes to coding the game. Oh, and drawing, which is a breeze.

I like the idea of making an interactive comic book in a lot of ways, and I’m really looking forward to seeing what the hell I can do with this project. I’m also looking forward to figuring out how to share the WIP aspect seeing as most of the stuff I’m doing is in the planning stages and isn’t in a game form. Maybe I can make a section on the website dedicated to the ‘how to’ process as I go through and figure it all out…

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March 28

March 28, 2019

Loss and a cold :/

Just wanted to check in. So my Luci-luv passed away, and the same night we buried her in a sweet, little cat coffin, I caught the bug that’s been floating around my house. Fever, coughing, grumpy, foggy brain, headache, more grumpy, etc. I think I’m coming back to myself, and now I just need to wrangle my focus back. The fever is lingering, but eh, I’ve had worse. Also, got some thyroid tests back today and I guess my thyroid antibodies are still elevated, so I’m kinda bummed about that. But eh, for real, I’ve had way worse and I’ve got nothing to complain about.

See you soon with updates! ^.^

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March 21

March 21, 2019

Familiarity

Some mountains feel achievable because you’ve already climbed something similar. When I look at how every scene I rewrite for Demon Arms is turning out @ 3 times longer, I keep getting hit with doubt. I’m not even halfway through and I’m over 127,000 words and I feel kind of sick inside. Because I’m familiar with a certain wordcount. I’m familiar with a certain response to my older works, aka, my moldy brain writing. This has been a huge source of concern for me as a writer, as a creator-just as a human being. I have regained my very broken brain back and I’m worried my writing is now alien to who I used to be.

I personally think it’s a positive change, but does what I like even fucking matter when I’m trying to make a living? Broken Sadie has been tested and tried and has a fanbase who loves those old stories. Can not so broken Sadie live up to that? It’s an unpleasant feeling, these uncertainties. The reality is, all I can do is forge forward and hope people like my new style and ultimately forgive me for not being capable of consistency. I have a feeling everyone else is far more forgiving on me than I am.

That is something familiar that I don’t enjoy; my history of kicking my own ass over pointless shit. My brain changed. I have no control over it. Keep creating, yeah? I have to stop looking backwards for reference to feel validated in what I’m doing now. I just need to be in now, okay with now, and let all that other shit go.

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March 18

March 18, 2019

Motherfucking IDEAS!!! *flail*

My fucking brain, peeps, seriously. Just fuck my damn brain. This is my life now. Either I’m perfectly responsible and write the shit I’m ‘supposed to’ write because I’ve made commitments, or I go on a fucking bender making something totally new, and super crazy, and it should exists and I want to do it!!!

I think spring is hitting and my hibernation is over. My brain hibernation. @_@ Seriously, fuck my life if I start reacting to mold once the heat hits. I’m experimenting with probiotics that are known to produce dopamine in the hopes if I get my gut biome balanced out, the Parkinson’s will be cured.–Ha, talk about ideas; let’s cure Parkinson’s on the side, yeah? (but really, let’s. Why the fuck not?)

So my current flailing has to do with this super cute, ridiculously fun (and totally raunchy) idea of someone moving into one of those haunted houses–you know the drill. Satanic rituals/what have you committed before the cult leader killed off everyone and was dragged away to be insane in prison until dead. The main character knows something is wrong, is certain there is a monster in the closet. So he places a stuffed animal in there to protect him, and when he retrieves it in the morning, the stuffed animal is possessed by a very protective, very horny demon who has characteristics of both fluffy cuteness and creepy demon.

Oh, and this closet portal to hell is not a one time door. Our fluffy horndog of a demon can summon friends by transferring them into the empty shells of stuffed animals and go on a fuck fest, all while dealing with some overarching plot of evil trying to destroy our main character for living in the hell house of doom.

And wouldn’t it just be extra fucking awesome as a visual novel with cool art and sexy visuals??!???! Like, it could be my practice run before tackling something giant like Demon Virus?

!!!!!!!! *dies* XD I know! I need to be, like, 50 fucking people so I can write this while working on PATB. I need, like, a zillion bucks so I can just hire people to make this shit while I write the proper stuff. Argh! Fuck adulting. Fuck my damn brain for having so many fun ideas and only belonging in this limited body of slowness. GAH! (what’s it like to want, Sadie? It fucking sucks, thank you! Fuck you, brain.) *slams head against table* @_@

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March 13

March 13, 2019

Task Switching @_@

This has to be my biggest hurdle as a creative who wants to make things consistently. I can’t switch from task to task with ease. Sometimes not at all, like obsessive tasks I find myself in (coding, playing video games–which I just don’t do anymore because of this problem–arting.) There is something in my brain that will have me sit in a chair and attack a project, snapping at everyone/thing that interrupts, not eating, barely dragging away to the bathroom, etc, and it will lasts for days to weeks.

I work hard to not find myself in this bad place; I don’t like who I am and it’s not who I want to be. But I’m seeing this problem in more milder places, like I just can’t keep my house in order once I’ve started writing for the day. Writing requires me to get into a certain headspace which is very hard to willing leave once I’m there. I don’t know how to do multiple things a day. It’s a work day or it’s a life day, you know, and that work is usually focused on only one thing.

I know humans aren’t really supposed to be good at multitasking, but I don’t think this is really multitasking. This is monotasking, one after the other, and I just can’t seem to get in the hang of it. This is something I need to learn, like, hardcore. I feel like it would alleviate a lot of my stress if I can figure this out and be able to balance life and creative tasks.

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March 12

March 12, 2019

Arting

So, I think I might be moving toward the visual novel idea. I was thinking recently about all the reasons why I couldn’t move on it before. For one, I was looking at an Amazon focused strategy which required me to get all these books published first. Now that I’m in a website content strategy, that problem is alleviated completely, and I just need to get used to the idea. Like, it’s hard to keep remembering the freedom I have to create more than just the rewrite of PATB. I have options now that I don’t need to make content that’s only Amazon friendly.

Another big reason was time/money when it comes to graphics creation. To be blunt, although I used to make art a lot when I was younger, I don’t necessarily enjoy it much anymore. Digital art is time consuming, and usually life consuming for me, and the Demon Virus visual novel has a lot of characters that I would have to have model art for. It’s a lot of art–I’m talking about 10 main characters because of the branching plots, and they would each require different expressions, poses and outfits depending on storyline. Aka, hiring that shit out is $$$ I just don’t have.

I don’t know if you’re familiar with this little graphic, but it rules the majority of my creative life. As someone who was ill for so long (and, let’s be frank, broke,) I utilized the resources I had to create a quality product, and that involved taking a lot of time and refining and learning to get to the best level I could be with, well, pretty much everything I strive at. I don’t want to be ‘good’ at something; I always want to be my personal best. Not the best ever, but the best of my ability. So it’s usually time extensive. With a few drawing shortcuts, though, I’ve found some ways to make this process much faster than I feared it might be. I just tried it out with the Blowjob King character art, just to see if I could get a feel for it, and I’m happy with the results.

I’m basically creating my own reference in a 3D software and then using it for the body base of the 2D characters. It still requires creating line art, clothing choices, color, etc, but this takes a lot of pain out of the process. Having character bases that allow me to reference the exact height and body build which I can then pose accordingly takes a huge chunk of time out of the sketch process, and if you’re an artist, you likely know that unless you get the fundamentals correct in you sketch, you’re end product is doomed, like forgetting the foundation to a house.

I wish I could have done this with a more elaborate software that could do clothing, hair styles, etc, but I wasn’t able to find one that posed as well or naturally (or was affordable) as DesignDoll. I tried Daz studios last summer–It was frustrating, to put it kindly, and the characters were very stiff reference with a lack of intuitiveness for changing their body types, etc. Seriously, if I had the cash (I can only imagine this shit is super expensive) I would love to just create a character, pose it, and use it directly in the interactive novel. Like your own damn anime. I feel like this shit must exist at this point, but yeah, also assume it requires knowledge and cash way beyond me. But hey, I can find my shortcuts at least, and it makes a difference.

The last problem was, naturally, learning a new software to create a visual novel, but I think this is pretty much solved too. Last summer, before the mold drove me out of the house and I lost months, I had been playing with a visual novel builder that had been really intuitive. I have to go through my old notes and find the damn name of it again, but I remember it was basically a drag and drop editor set up–it was like an html editor in a lot of ways where I just had to provide the content and it could set up really quickly.

I’m still hesitating. I would really like to have the first PATB books published before I take on this project full steam, but I’m not sure if it’s ‘realistic.’ PATB, at this point, isn’t about new content, but about fixing up the old content so it’s publish ready, and I’m worried that’s going to be perceived as basically standing still. I don’t want to jump into Sorcerer Slayer until the other 2 books are finished–lets not add anything else future wise when I need to ensure the timeline is set in the past, you know?

I’m not pushing myself enough. I’m not talking stress; I’m talking challenges. I’m bored by the rewrites and my productivity is going down because of it. So I think as a creator, I have an obligation to figure out how to get out of this funk and get motivated. I’ve been trying with the rewrites, every day looking for new ways to make it interesting, push me to get to a remotely useful wordcount, but I think I’m just honestly too bored. I need a challenge that I can do side by side with the rewrites, one that’s paced at my choice so it doesn’t become a stressors. That first challenge is just to get back into writing anything other than PATB, which is why I’m writing up Blowjob King, but I think after that I’ll be looking at the visual novel idea as the next project.

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